She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wish you could order shots online.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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