You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
