life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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