I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
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