The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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