Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
