everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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