Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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