I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
