There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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