I got chris browned last night
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
