the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Your penis caused this!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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