my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
