My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Randomize
