Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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