So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize