i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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