Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My vagina just clenched in fear
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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