So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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