im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
