totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
