dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
