she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
