Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
