The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
