Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
