mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
