Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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