Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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