I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
