we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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