FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
