the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
