I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
