I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
