I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
