Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
