i may or may not be watching the land before time
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
