this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
