i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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