I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
