Cold hands, warm shart.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
