When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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