I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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