In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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