remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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