I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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