I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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