my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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