Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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