HIV tests are more positive than that guy
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
you never un-have a 4some
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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