I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
