I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
