i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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