Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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