i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize