my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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