how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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