True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
